That week, I got to see a side of my husband that I had not seen before. I knew that he was a leader—that he could coach others and easily guide a conversation, but I had never actually witnessed him teach the Word. From the moment that we were put on the schedule, I could tell that he really cared about this. He wanted to teach. He desired to share the message that God had put on his heart. He could not wait to study the Bible and read the commentaries and Greek translation. He even wanted to find a silly video clip to break the ice.

Not only was the Lord guiding him as he prepared the lesson, He was guiding me and showing me a new role. As a schoolteacher, I was used to being the one in control of the lesson. The organization, preparation, and success of a lesson were all on my shoulders. God showed me that teaching his Word is not all about those teaching strategies and rubrics. God was constantly glorifying himself in Chris’s study and desire to know him more. Chris and I learned more about Forgiveness through this process. I was compelled to pray for him more as he studied and created the lesson. We even prayed that his lesson would ultimately glorify God—not Chris.

I thing this is the root of the issue, and why this whole experience has been so important to us. Through just this little “teaching night, “ Chris grew in confidence, skill, and obedience as he prepared and delivered the lesson, and I grew in humility, service, and adoration of the Father and the man who he made Chris to be. The beautiful thing is that we’re not done growing up. We never will be. God is not finished challenging us to become more like him—more like who he made us to be.

If there were a survey conducted among Americans that asked the question, “What is the purpose of your marriage?” 90% of people are going to answer by saying “marriage is about loving each other and making each other happy.”

While this is true, this is not the purpose of marriage. The purpose of marriage is to give the world a picture of Christ and His Church.

But what does this mean for us? Why would Paul compare these two things? What correlation do our marriages have with the Gospel?

• New Identity – When a person becomes a Christian they receive a new identity. They are no longer defined by the things of the world but are now defined by their relationship with Christ. In 2 Corinthians we see that when a person comes to Christ they actually become a new person altogether. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” (2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV)

When a man marries a woman they become “one” and she assumes his last name. This “new name” is symbolic of their new relationship. She is no longer identified by who she was as the daughter of her father but she now has a new name to mark her new life with her husband.

• Service – As a Christian you are called to die to yourself. Your life is no longer about you because you have been “bought with a price” (1 Corinthians 6:20). We want to serve Christ because of the work He did on our behalf. We do His work on earth so that others can see our love for Him and bring Him glory.

As a spouse we serve our partner out of a desire to show them our love. We want to be a helper and set ourselves aside so we can enrich the lives of our partner. These outward professions of service give us the opportunity to express the inward love we have for them.

• Sanctification – Sanctification is the process of becoming more like Christ. This process begins when we accept Christ and the Holy Spirit comes into our heart. It doesn’t conclude until we are glorified with Christ in Heaven. Becoming like Christ takes time and isn’t always easy to experience.

Marriage is one means God uses to speed up this process. Marriage is the union between two sinners who each come in with rough edges. Through marriage these rough edges rub against each other and eventually begin to smooth each other out. Through this refinement both spouses tend to become more sanctified.

• Covenant – Under the new covenant God promises an everlasting relationship with His people if they believe in His Son Jesus as their savior. It’s not a conditional covenant that can be relinquished; once we enter into this covenant with God it is eternal.

Marriage is a covenant relationship as well. We aren’t in marriage “as long as everything goes our way.” It is intended to be a lifelong commitment “for better or worse.” When we enter into this covenant we are accepting the good from our partner as well as the bad. Covenants should not be taken lightly. God takes His promises seriously, as should we.

• Idolatry – God means it when He says in Exodus 20, “You shall have no gods before Me.” He never intended us to worship anything but Him. Since the Church is the bride of Christ, worshipping anything but God is committing infidelity against God.

In the same way, to have an inappropriate relationship with someone other than our spouse is to commit infidelity. We are putting the feelings of someone else above that of our spouse. The bond we form with this other person becomes more important to us than the effect that it will have on the person we have at home. We elevate someone else to the position of highest regard. This is the essence of an affair.

There is a direct correlation between how the world sees your marriage and how it views the Gospel. If you show them a marriage full of lies, resentment, and selfishness then the world is going to have a distorted view of the Gospel. If you show them a marriage full of honesty, commitment, and service then they are going to see a clear picture. Now the question becomes, are you showing the world a distorted picture of the Gospel or a clear one?

Jaki J, stay at home mom; Memphis, TN

Being in our Build group allow us to see that we were going through the motions and not necessarily growing in marriage. The people have acted like family and linked arms with us causing us to grow and truly experience the power of God.

Theresy W, University Administrator; Memphis, TN

My Build group has completely challenged the way I think about marriage. I have had to realize that marriage is not always romantic and fairy tale like, but that it has a purpose and that purpose is to represent and glorify God. I thought a healthy marriage was one where arguments were minimal and no one was getting offended. I’m beginning to see that marriage is a tool to change my husband and me even if it is uncomfortable.

Chris H, Dentist; Memphis, TN

The material covered in Build a Better Us has equipped me with tools to engage and encourage marriages around me.  Knowing that Christ is the hero of my life story helps battle my insecurity and empowers me with confidence found in Him.  I have been blessed with opportunities to encourage my recently married friends with practical, Biblical advice. I finally feel that I have something to offer.

Mandi H, Teacher

My husband and I have really been encouraged by the idea of seeing our marriage as a mission. We have always known that God brought us together, but seeing this union as more than just God’s way of blessing us has been both challenging and exciting. Together we can reach people in ways that we could not have alone. It’s humbling to think that GOD wants to bless others through our honesty and transparency in our marriage.

The American was surprised.  “I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you.  You should spend more time on the water fishing, then you can sell the extra fish, make more money and buy a bigger boat.” “And after that?” “With the extra money from the bigger boat, you can buy two or three boats and eventually hire more people to operate a fleet of fishing trawlers.  Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can start to negotiate directly with the processing plants.  After a while you would be able to open your own plant.  Then you could leave this little village for Mexico City and eventually, New York!  From there you could operate the whole enterprise.” “After that you’ll be able to retire on the coast, sleep in every day, do some fishing, play with your grandkids, take a siesta and spend time with your wife.  In the evenings you will be able to go out drinking and singing with your friends.”

The fisherman shrugged and walked away.

The story of our lives is trying to balance those very delicate things so as not to make a huge mess of it all. We want a great education, but we don’t want to be isolated from our social life. We want to be successful in our careers, but not to become workaholics. In all things we find that two-sided tension, especially from dating to marriage.

The desire to pursue and love biblically gives you great patience in dating, that same desire to please God allows you to release your passion for your partner in your marriage. But there is a middle stage there: Engagement. We are passed dating but not yet Married, what do we do now?

If you are a man like myself you may have the question of, “If you’re supposed to bathe your wife in the word of God, so what do you do with your fiancé… sprinkle her?” A woman may ask, “As a wife I am a helper, how do I operate in engagement?” There is a great tension there because there is a condition that I like to call the “Almost, but not yet” complex. You are more than just interested in each other and have made the commitment of getting married, but you just aren’t married yet. You want to say just operate like you did when you were dating, but the bible places high emphasis on engagement. Joseph was ready to quietly divorce Mary when he found out she was pregnant before they were married. Which means the betrothal is commitment enough to have to divorce from. So how do we operate in the engaged phase and where do we go from here? Good question.

Just as when you were dating, there has to be boundaries. Boundaries are great because they keep things in perspective, you may feel more connected but you are not as 1 Peter references “his and hers”. The other thing about boundaries is that they cannot be simply what not to do, but why not to do them. My fiancé and I chose not to kiss before the wedding day. This was decided early in our dating, and has continued throughout. Not because we have to, but because our ‘what not to’ has a ‘why not to’ for us. We don’t want to unleash love before its time (precaution), and we desire to work through the healing of our past before going into the physical of our relationship. On the flip side of setting boundaries, you still have to gain intimacy and learn more about one another. You desire to marry this person, so you don’t want to say I do and have no earthly clue to whom you have married. Sure when you get married you find out even more, but because you are both selfish, you have a lot of baggage that needs to be checked. It is a gradual learning and unveiling of oneself to the betrothed, learning about each other just a bit more than you did while dating.

As much as this stage of life is about balance, its not just about balance between each other but of your brothers and sisters around you. You need to build strong relationships outside your relationships so that you can talk through those sins that men & women face, while discerning what not to divulge.

Ultimately the union of marriage is to show the glory of God, representing the relationship that Christ has with the church. Your engagement should be glorifying to God, exemplifying how to love your brother or sister according to God’s will. The only way top do this is if each member is constantly pointing their partner to the cross of Christ, where we are all saved by grace through faith. The fisherman was able to walk off because of all the things the business man talked about at the end of the road; the fisherman had it all along. Therefore, whether you are in dating, engagement or marriage never lose sight of your first true love.

If you were to look at my Facebook page you would see that I have around 1,000 “friends”. On the surface it would look like I have more than enough people who would be there for me when I need them the most. But if you look under the hood at what is really going on you would see that not only are these people not really my friends, but in fact, I don’t have a real relationship with more than a handful of them at all.

To our detriment, through a status update or tweet we have people that we can air out our dirty laundry to at all times. This is further proof that each and every one of us have a desire to share the “real me” with those around us. A few weeks ago I saw a post that troubled me, and made me appreciate Build A Better Us even more. She said, “I sure wish my husband made an effort to make me feel special on Mother’s Day”.

Wow, how sad. Not only is this marriage obviously missing something that it needs, but they apparently don’t have the people in their lives that they need to go to when times get hard.

In no way am I a perfect husband. But in my imperfection I am perfectly confident that when I drop the ball (as I often do) that my wife would NEVER use social media as a platform to announce our issues to anyone that will listen. She has the ladies of our Build group for that. That’s what they’re there for. They are truly a safe place for her. They aren’t there to simply “like” a status. They aren’t going to post the typical “Aw, I’m sorry girl. I hope your day gets better.” They are there to point my wife, and my marriage toward the standard set in Ephesians 5.

Real community is one that will remind you that Jesus is the hero of your life. They will be your safe place where you can vent after you’ve had “one of those days”. We all need people that we can turn to, and if we don’t have a real biblical community we will find places that are often unsafe to dump our garbage.

Build a Better Us strives to equip Christ followers to be that safe place for those in their communities.  We can then begin to show those around us what we refer to as the “real me”, not simply the me that I want people to think I am. Build a Better Us aims to change the way we all view community and marriage, one couple at a time.

Like a boat in a stream our marriages are either moving forward towards health or drifting into dysfunction. There is no such thing as sitting still. Many times couples will live under the illusion that they are neither healthy nor dysfunctional because there are no major issues present. In reality if there is no intentional effort for growth, you’ll find yourself in dysfunction without a clue as to how you got there.

The truth of the matter is all of us are prone to drifting because we are all frail, inconsistent, and sinful. To often-married people have learned to only pursue occasional growth in the forms of annual conferences, books, and short marriage classes. These things are very inconsistent and provide only a short-term fix to a systemic problem, our marriages are prone to drifting. Why? We have drifting hearts that are in constant need of truth and reminders to help us move forward. If you’re a Christian God has given us 3 things as reminders to keep us moving forward, the Bible, His Spirit, and other Christians.

Often times Christians are ok with the first 2 as reminder but Community is out of the question. Having others as reminders is usually an issue because of fear or we feel there is no time. The truth is with out other people reminding us of what’s true in a humble way; we will drift more often than not. God made us to pursue Him with enthusiasm and also pursue our spouse. The way we pursue these 2 relationships will impact every area of our lives. Because of this epidemic in marriage in 2008 we started Build a Better Us. We wanted to make groups available for marrieds no matter if they were engaged, new, seasoned, or in crisis.

Build a Better us exist to equip married couples to pursue their spouse with the same enthusiasm that they did when they we dating & engaged. As they pursue Jesus in a small group community. So that there can be consistency in the most important areas of our lives.